🥛 Samuel Has Been Freed 👀

  • December 23, 2022
  • 3 Min Read

GM. This is the Milk Road. The daily newsletter that lights your way through crypto like Rudolph's nose.

Oh, and Merry Christmas ya filthy animals.

Here's what we got for you today: 

  • Samuel is free
  • North Korea steals $1b+ in crypto
  • Milky Memes

SAMUEL GETS RELEASED AFTER POSTING BAIL

Samuel has been released on a $250m bond.

That’s right. Samuel is free and headed home for the holidays.

I know, I know. A lot of us are feeling like the old guy in the back 😠.

And I know what you’re thinking … $250 MILLION?!?

That’s a f*ck ton of money. In fact, it’s one of the largest bail bonds ever set. It's ~8x more than Bernie Madoff, Jordan Belfort, and Suge Knights' bails … combined.

But here's the thing... you only need to pay 10% of the bail upfront to get released. So in reality, Sam only needed $25M.

And it turns out, Sam didn't even pay. He was rescued.

By who? The only people that still love you even after a huge f*ck up ... your parents.

Here’s what we know:

  • Samuel's parents covered the $25m needed by putting up their home in Palo Alto as collateral
  • One other mysterious individual with “considerable assets” also helped secure the bond (Kevin O'Leary, that you?)
  • Samuel surrendered his passport and has to wear a monitoring device
  • Samuel has no restrictions from using his computer or the internet. (He's basically grounded at home with unlimited League of Legends)

It's also reported that most of the roads and trails around the Bankman-Fried household are closed. Probably to keep the paparazzi from snapping any holiday pics. 

But don't worry, we sent the Milk Man on a secret mission. 

And he just got back to us with the first EXCLUSIVE Bankman-Fried holiday pic.

Looks like Mr. Wonderful made a special appearance.

Here are some of the best reactions from Sam's release:

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TODAY'S EDITION IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY DESO

We don’t usually do this, but just yesterday:

  • Elon added a “views button on Twitter." (Twitter’s UI/UX experience is worse than my local plumber’s website - listen, yesterday I had Taco Bell. It was a tough day.)
  • TikTok was tracking the location of two Forbes reporters and “others close to them” 

It’s clear these social media companies have one motive in mind - maximize profits at all costs. Users are irreplaceable and they won’t hesitate to violate data policies for their own benefit.

That’s why it’s time for …  

DeSo - a layer-1 blockchain built from the ground up to decentralize social media and bring the power back into the hands of the user. 

Here’s why DeSo is different than web2 social platforms:

  • 100% of all code & data are completely open. All posts and social graphs on DeSo are stored directly on-chain
  • Data is available to everyone. No more monopolization of data from companies like Facebook, Twitter, etc.
  • Creator coins let your followers invest in you and make money as you become more popular
  • So far, there have been over 1.7m wallets created, $1.4b in total txn volume, and 73m+ transactions on DeSo
  • Oh, and it was recently listed on Coinbase

Claim your username today. They're running out fast!

NORTH KOREA STEALS $1B+ IN CRYPTO

Kim Jung-Un has a pretty crazy resume.

According to him, he:

  • Doesn’t pee or poop (like the rest of us mortals)
  • Has the cure for AIDS & cancer
  • Learned to drive a car at the age of 3
  • And even discovered unicorns

No, seriously. This is all stuff he’s told North Korean citizens.

And now he’s updating his resume with World's Greatest Crypto Hacker. It's estimated that North Korean hackers have stolen $1.2b+ in crypto hacks

Here's the kicker: these aren't your typical hackers that live in a basement sipping on Red Bulls all day long.

The hackers = the North Korean government. 

BREAKING: LIVE PICTURE OF NORTH KOREAN HACKERS

You see, North Korea's economy has been hit hard over the last few years. U.N. sanctions & Covid-19 have made the N. Korean economy more fragile than your patience at Christmas dinner.

So what'd they do? They turned to hacking crypto assets. 

And it's been working. In fact, Kim Jung-Un even had a whole photoshoot with his new nuclear weapons earlier this year. (I guess that's how you flex when you steal $1b+)

 Honestly looks like Kim is about to drop the album of the year.

MILKY MEMES

That's a wrap for today. Happy Holidays to all the Roaders worldwide. Stay thirsty & see ya next week! If you want more, be sure to follow our Twitter (@MilkRoadDaily)

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.

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    Milk ManWriter

    This dashing dairy expert is not just your average milkman. He's a tri-athlete, a former classmate of Satoshi Nakamoto, and a crypto enthusiast who loves nothing more than delivering the freshest news and insights straight to your inbox.